Understanding Parents
Taken from the National Network for Child Care's Connections Newsletter
Rose-Marie Smith, M.S.
Early Childhood Curriculum Coordinator
School District of University City University City, Missouri
You have a special bond with the parents of your children. It can often be difficult to describe or understand. If you understand why parents act the way they do, this bond will be even stronger.
Most parents admit feeling guilty about leaving their children in someone else's care. These mixed feelings may cause parents to be late in dropping off or picking up their children. They may talk immediately to the child and shut the care provider out. Or they may talk nervously to the care provider about everything but their child.
What feelings do parent and child care provider share? Probably the following:
"I'm tired."
"I want to be cared about as a valuable human being for my own sake, not just as a parent or a provider."
"I wonder if I am doing okay."
"I'm jealous of you."
Providers may feel jealous of parents because they are the most important persons in the child's life. Similarly, parents are often jealous of providers because the caregiver sees everything the parent misses!
In the past, family members usually cared for children. Like the Waltons in the TV series, there was always a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, or an older brother or sister to take care of the younger ones. They did this because family membership included the responsibility of caring for children.
When today's families look for child care, myths and guilt often make the whole task very confusing. Parents feel like someone is missing. Where is the loyal family member who will do it with love for free?
Parents may feel powerless because they do not know how to evaluate the product - the child care service. They feel guilty about needing to purchase what they believe should be provided by a family member.
When people feel guilty, they often withdraw or become angry. They make unrealistic requests, or they break the rules and practices of your child care service. They are late with payments or bring the child when he is sick. Parents may behave this way because they feel guilty. They may worry that you think they are bad parents. They may also be jealous that you see the tiny details of their child's daily world.
If you talk with parents only about their child's problems or about the rules they are breaking, their guilt can mount. Parents who feel tired, guilty, and frustrated need support. Then they can do a better job of parenting.
Single parents are struggling with overload. Working women whose husbands provide little help at home have the highest level of stress and frustration of any group. This includes men and women, working or not. The activities that working mothers reduce in order to cope are sleep and personal leisure activities. This only adds stress.
In the interest of the children, we need to nurture each other. Arguing or believing in our hearts that mothers should stay home with their young children is bad for parent and child. You have to form bonds with parents who need the service, information, and caring.
Reach out to the human needs of the parents. Ask them how they handle situations in their family. Give them written policies and have them signed before a child enters your care. It is unfair for you or the parent not to understand expectations. Say "thank you" often to children and their parents. Tell them you appreciate them for smiling as they enter, for coming on time, or for really looking at their child's picture. Thank them for referring another parent to you.
Thank parents for trusting you to work with them and for sharing the most precious parts of themselves. What will you receive? The children and their parents will surely thank you. And, just as you reach out to meet the needs of parents, they will reach out to meet your needs. Parents who know what is expected of them and who feel that their provider approves of and values them will be more likely to respect policies and procedures.
Reprinted with permission from the National Network for Child Care - NNCC. Smith, R. (1992). Understanding parents. In Todd, C.M. (Ed.), *Day care center connections*, 1(4), pp. 5-6. Urbana-Champaign, IL: University of Illinois Cooperative Extension Service.
